Chh-chhh-chhh-Changes!

I know for me I have never been good at changing to new treatments when it comes to my diabetes. I don't know what that is all about but I got to thinking about it today when I got frustrated with my equipment. It got me thinking about how hard change is...

Here is what I mean. My family tried to get me to get a pump since the late 80s and I refused. It took me years after Humalog came out to switch from R to Humalog. I refused to go to go from 2 shots a day to true MDI after I went on Humalog. Don't even talk to me about trying the new long lasting insulins like Lantus, there was no way I would consider that. Switch from exchanges to carb counting, not gonna happen! Then I got sick and I thought I was having diabetic complications. This is it I thought, diabetes finally has caught up with me and is going to kill me. I was 34 and I was facing my own death from not taking care of myself. So I got an endo who realized how off the path I was and how resistant to change I was. So she met me were I was at and didn't try to force me to change insulins, carb count, or do MDI. She didn't even bring up the idea of a pump. She waited patiently for me to be ready for change.

So what was stopping me from trying different ways of taking care of my diabetes? Why was I so resistant to change? Was it fear of the unknown? Was it pure stubbornness? Was it just that I don't like change like most people? Maybe change is just too hard? Was it fear of failure? One thing I do remember my first endo telling me was that once you figure out what works, don't change anything. It was 1988 when I was told this. Definitely not good advice when I look back but what he said had an impact on my poor 13 year old brain.

So what changes have happened for me over the past year and a half? Well, I started carb counting and got on an Animas pump. I started testing 12+ times a day. I just started a DexCom CGMS in the last month. I totally changed my diet from a fried, high carb nightmare to a low fat moderate carb diet. So what motivated me to change? And not just small changes, but radical changes? Looking at it now maybe it was the fear of dying. I was willing to try anything to feel better and not die now. Then I realized I wanted to finally be in control of my diabetes and not have it control me like it always had in the past. This motivated me to change.

So as I sat here this morning frustrated with my DexCom not working right as I prepared to go to the gym, the old me started screaming in my head, "you should have stayed the way you were, you never went low then!" Of course I never went low back when I was on shots, my average blood sugar was in the high 200s! I was so tempted to throw the DexCom against the wall, just like I felt like throwing my pump away the first month I was on it. Then I went low (again) because I get nervous with the idea of changing my basal settings on the pump. So even though I have weeks worth of data that shows me I need to reduce my basal in the AM, I didn't make the change. I even ran basal tests so I knew I needed to reduce the basal! I just kept going low and having to treat the low every morning at the same time. So I sit at my desk this morning, upset and frustrated. I had to breathe and remind myself, change is good. Change is what has given you your life and health back. Breathe young grasshopper! So I changed my basal and I restarted the DexCom sensor, breathe in, breathe out....

Making changes in my D care freaks me out. Can anyone relate? Thanks for letting me vent, I feel much better now :)